This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.
Baby’s first word. A beautiful sound to any father’s ears, particularly if it’s “Da-Da.” But what if baby’s first word showed it’s shared interest in something you enjoy? Such a profound commonality, and to be put forth with baby’s first word, no less! The bond between baby and father would be that much stronger.
Ten “Baby’s First Words” You’ll Never Hear (But Maybe Wish You Would):
There’s a ritual that many fathers have with their children: bringing them to their first baseball game. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know all those years spent memorizing thousands of stats, rosters, games, and so on are all going to pay off with your offspring?
You won’t have to worry about justifying your showing gratuitously violent ninja flicks to your kids because you can remind your wife that it’s clearly what the kid has wanted since day one.
8. “Wookie!” (mispronouncing “cookie” doesn’t count)
Some fathers teach his child that a cow goes “Moo” and a pig goes “Oink.” Don’t you want to be the father that teaches his child a wookie goes “Rrraangh!”
“Lebowski” is even better than “Dude” because while “Dude” may be synonymous with one of the greatest films of all time for you, for many non-Dudeists in the world it’s just a leftover relic from California surfer culture that made its way into the mainstream in the early 1990s. There’s only one Lebowski. Well, two, I suppose.
6. “Acetylsalicylic acid!” (“aspirin” doesn’t count)
Babies are too young for heavy pain relievers but baby aspirin? No sweat! And while most babies ramble on in random multi-syllabic gibberish, all of your baby’s syllables can add up to showing off its pharmaceutical smarts.
Okay, okay, so you’re a PC or PS3 or XBox gamer. You haven’t touched a Nintendo controller since N64, I get it. But think about it this way: when baby talks about video games in front of Grandma and Grandpa, do you think they’re more likely to be astonished by a word they recognize (“Nintendo!”) or confused by something they’ve never heard of (“Dreamcast!”)? That’s what I thought.
4. “Go Kart!”
If you ever needed justification for letting your child do something incredibly dangerous at far too young an age, this is the word to teach ’em first.
3. “Velociraptor!” (sure, “raptor” counts)
With this as his or her first word, the chances your child will meet more new friends by screeching and pouncing on them will be higher than any other kid around. It’s important to celebrate being unique.
Combining your love of zombie with your love of funky pop music, this is the best way your baby can say, “I love you” to his or her daddy. Other than actually saying, “I love you.”
I’m tearing up just thinking about this magic day.
Have an idea? Post it in the comments.