This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.
Making sure your newborn infant has all of the nutritious breastmilk it needs in that first year is important. That’s why pumping and storing breastmilk is no laughing matter. Sure, you can store breastmilk in the fridge for a few days, and even the freezer for a few months. And don’t forget a deep freeze is good for nearly a year. However, there are alternative places to store your breastmilk for your baby, courtesy of the Star Wars universe.
Three Breastmilk Storage Areas from The Empire Strikes Back
1. Taun Taun
Strap filled milk bottles to the belly strap of your saddle around your Taun Taun and you’ve always got baby’s meal on the go. Do you need to warm it up in a jiffy? Let your Taun Taun freeze after you reach the third marker, take your buddy’s lightsaber, and slice open that Taun Taun belly. That steaming pile of tubular guts is going to get that bottle warm in no time (note: be sure to set the bottle near the guts and not in the guts to avoid “hot spots” in the milk). Good for up to two years of storage.
2. Wampa Cave
This option is perfect for the family who needs plenty of storage space and doesn’t mind skeleton-littered floors. Put your pumped and prepared bottle snug up against helpful stalagmites and be sure to tip generously to the Wampa assigned to guard your baby’s precious nourishment. Note: we recommend only parents and trusted older siblings enter the Wampa cave to retrieve bottles; all those sharp stalagmites and stalactites just aren’t good for baby. Be sure to have a side of Taun Taun handy to toss to the Wampa as you gather however many bottles you need and run for dear life. Good for up to five years of storage.
Expensive? Yes. Environmental hazzard? You bet! But if you need to store a lot of breastmilk and you need to store it a long time, carbonite may be just the solution for you. If you can find someone who will agree to hold on to the bottles for you, it’s going to be that much easier to get them without risk of breakage when you finally thaw them out. Your buddy may have hibernation sickness but your baby’s milk will be 100% ready to go. Pro tip: private bounty hunter shipping is typically more expensive than Empire-direct. Good for up to 200 years of storage.
Got an idea? Leave it in the comments.