This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.
Cutting the umbilical cord is a special moment for a new dad. Some fathers have emotional difficulty doing so because they’re worried about any pain that could result from cutting tissue connected to the mother and the baby. Don’t worry, though, because there are no nerve endings in the umbilical cord and no one will feel any pain from the severing whatsoever. Now that that’s out of the way, you can also get the little scissors the doctor or midwife will hand you out of the way, too, because you have a lot more options available to you when it comes time to cut the cord.
Ten Ways You Can Never Cut the Cord:
10. Craft Scissors
Pick the pattern that works the best to create a stylin’ stomach stump on baby for the next few days.
It’s not just for cutting open Taun Taun bellies or slicing off your father or son’s hands or repelling thousands of blaster bolts; lightsabers can be an elegant umbilical cord cutter for a more civilized occasion. Of course, even if you can’t actually use a lightsaber (sorry, fanboys, they don’t exist), you may be able to hold your smart phone over the baby and use your lightsaber app to pretend to cut the cord if the mother is a patient woman.
8. Hole Punch
It’s likely the cord is going to be thicker than the average hold punch so don’t be afraid to let ol’ Chompy here take a few bites.
Delivery rooms can be buzzing with activity and it’s possible there’s going to be too much medical equipment and/or too many people all gathered around the cord for you to get physically close to it. Instead, take advantage of that window of opportunity to literally whip out those “authentic” shuriken you bought online and use your precision ninja aim to cover the distance. You might practice at home first, in-between baby book chapters.
Speaking of precision ninja aim…
6. Snake Eyes
The baddest silent warrior of all time is ready to put aside his quest to conquer Cobra just long enough to offer the umbilical cord a taste of his “subtle cut.” In fact, it’s quite possible Snake Eyes showcased his ninja prowess and already cut the umbilical cord and no one noticed him slip in an out of the womb. He’s that good. (See G.I. Joe #52 for an example of the handiwork of the Arashikage Clan’s Silent Master.)
5. Battlefield Bad Company 2 Combat Knife
Just remember not to be disappointed when you don’t collect any dogtags.
You may be wondering why Wolverine’s adamantium claws aren’t on the list. While the ragin’ cajun is the best at what he does, he lacks the finesse, perfect aim, and laser eyes of Scott Summers. Plus, the guy’s got kids so he knows this is a special moment.
That said, he has severe issues with his son from the future and some of his kids are oddballs from alternate universes like Earth-1191 and -295 and another one of his kids was a clone and tried to kill everyone he ever knew and loved. But his daughter seems nice, even if she’s only his daughter via his alternate future counterpart. You know what? Don’t have this guy cut the cord. He’s got a lot going on, emotionally, to be saddled with such an important job. That visor’s not just holding back optic laser blasts; it’s hiding his constant streams of tears.
3. Safety Scissors
If you’re considering letting the new baby’s big brother or sister take part in this momentous occasion, remember: safety first! If the child is a lefty, be sure to get the green-handled lefty scissors. You can usually find one per every 1,000 of the regular pairs (my repressed childhood memories as a lefty are beginning to bubble to the surface).
Seriously, saw one thing with this beast and try not craving to saw something else every thirty seconds.
1. Klingon Bat’leth
You know what might be even better, actually? The Klingon knife Worf carried on him during his Kal’Hyah (Klingon bachelor party) before he married Jadzia in the Star Trek: Deep Space 9 episode, “You Are Cordially Invited.” Get it? CORDially invited?! Puns aside, you’ll feel like a mighty warrior when you cut that cord and proudly shout, “Kapla!” Be sure to play the classic battle music from the original Star Trek series while you do it, too.
Have an idea? Leave it in the comments.