Hypothetical Fatherhood #1 | Baby’s Bed Spread

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

Decorating the nursery is, of course, an important and expensive process. One of the key elements is the baby’s crib and the bedspread in it. These soft sheets and bumpers will have the colors and images your baby will have ingrained into its brain each and every night until it’s ready for a big boy or big girl bed. Perhaps you’re going with a jungle animal theme or a spaceship theme, all of the images in cute, cartoon-like depictions? Or maybe you chose an underwater theme with a friendly octopus pointing its tentacles to shining treasure. Or you may have even gone with simple, classy shapes. Good for you. Good for baby. But consider the brilliant brain molding you could do with the following crib bedspreads:

Baby Bed Spread Themes That Will Never Exist:

Friday the 13th

A Giant Squid designed to make it look like it’s grabbed your baby with its tentacles

A series of all the different-sized objects, particularly the fruits, that baby websites and books compare the baby to while it gestates in the womb

Apple Computer Logo

It’s the perfect design for Apple nerds who love Apple, and it’s the perfect design for people who detest Apple and want to be ironic.


In particular, it would be cool if it was Serpentor from the G.I. Joe cartoon mini-series “Arise, Serpentor, Arise!” when Dr. Mindbender and Destro create Serpentor from the DNA of history’s greatest warriors in order to subplant Cobra Commander and then Sgt. Slaughter fights a big sludge monster and Cobra tries to take over Washington, D.C. before they take their last stand at (spoiler alert) the Jefferson Memorial.

Swear Words. Lots of ‘Em.

Snakes (think the Well of Souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark)

Lions Chasing, Catching, and Eating Zebras


Got an idea? Leave it in the comments.


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