Hypothetical Fatherhood #10 | Twitter Feed

This Twitter feed originally appeared @hypotheticaldad between 2011-2014 as part of my HypotheticalFatherhood.com side project as I prepared for, and entered, fatherhood. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

The following 100 tweets are satire. They’re joke lines I wrote reflecting on my experiences with an infant / toddler. In case you think any of these inappropriate, please know that a) I love my daughter (the one born at the time of the tweets and the other one, too!) and b) that was the point of the Hypothetical Fatherhood experiment, and c) Twitter, for me, is like a car: I don’t know how it works, I just use it. The handle, @hypotheticaldad, no longer exists (though @thelifemosaic does). The tweets appear in reverse-chronological order, so you may get a kick out of reading backward or scrolling down and starting forward, your call.

2014.05.23 I Am Now a Tweet Twit

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 17 2014

Morning: “No, I don’t want to go to day care!” Afternoon: “No, I don’t want to go home!” You’re running out of options, girl.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 17 2014

When she screams in my face she wants “BLANKET! BLANKET!,” I think, “Yes. ‘Blank it,’ indeed…”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 17 2014

To get her ready for new baby, I got a bottle for baby dolly for $1. She loves it more than any other toy. Get ready for a lean birthday…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 11 2014

Mama hates watching TV with us. Papa always rewinds and pauses, the kid constantly wants to go back to the beginning, or “Something ELSE!”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 11 2014

Baby #2 is here in a month or so. I can’t tell which kid is kicking Mama more, though.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 11 2014

I showed her a bag of new cars and trucks and a new toothbrush. She went for the toothbrush. Whose kid IS this?!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 2 2014

If she’s crying when I drop her off at day care because she’s going to miss me so, so much, should I feel sad for her or awesome for me?

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Nov 30 2013

That was less of a hug and more of your fist shoved into my throat, but I understand the sentiment, kid.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Nov 28 2013

She’s potty training and today she said “Yay!” for ME going potty. I guess encouragement goes both ways.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Nov 18 2013

She’s starting saying “I love you, too.” Like she even knows what that means, right?! Eh, who am I kidding. It’s awesome.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jul 26 2013

“MY paper towel!” Great. Use it.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 19 Jul 2013

I showed her an old Godzilla movie and she loved it. I have ruined our family.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 7 Jul 2013

Today my wife went in to change her. When I walked in, she told her Mama, “No Papa!” I’ll remember that when she wants to borrow the car.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 29 May 2013

She’s in that velociraptor toddler stage where she can worm her way out of buckled harnesses and screech at the top of her lungs.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 27 May 2013

And I thought she smelled bad on the outside!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 20 Apr 2013

I guess what I’ve been saying all along is she’s weird.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 15 Apr 2013

Last week: Tue home w/Papa. Wed home w/Mama. Thur left day care early w/Papa. Fri home w/Papa. Back to full time school/work so I can RELAX!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 12 Apr 2013

Her new favorite game is Papa Socks: On and Off.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 9 Apr 2013

I was home all day with a sick little girl. Which is the same as saying I was home all day with a clingy, snotty, overheated baby orangutan.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 4 Apr 2013

She didn’t want to take off her bag before putting on her jacket so I put it on to show her what happens. Now she thinks it’s our new game.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 3 Apr 2013

She woke herself up by using her diaper. I know the feeling.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 2 Apr 2013

She’s wearing new shoes today. She’s 18 months old and she already has 6 pairs of shoes and 2 pairs of boots. Seriously.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 2 Apr 2013

We got a new video baby monitor this weekend. No creepy paranormal activity footage yet.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 26 Mar 2013

Looking forward to a full day of just me and her on Friday. Any good demolition derbies in town?

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 20 Mar 2013

She needs a haircut. And an attitude adjustment. But mostly a haircut.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 18 Mar 2013

We slipped on the ice three times this morning within a minute. My marching band training to save the horn if I fall came in handy.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 17 Mar 2013

I came home from work in time to say ‘night-night’ before nap time. Missed the poopie diaper change, though. It’s all in the timing…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 15 Mar 2013

This morning she made me hold puppy, other puppy, piggy, monkey blanket, and her. She held her passy. She doesn’t grasp labor distribution.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 14 Mar 2013

She was in a good mood today. Makes me wish I could spend the day with her while she’s in a good mood. But I can’t. So I have a sour mood.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 2 Mar 2013

More entertaining to her than Papa in person? A Bear on TV. More entertaining to her than Papa on Skype? A Bear on TV. The Bear always wins.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Feb 2013

Her kisses taste like hot dogs. Bad, ’cause I’m vegetarian for Lent. Also, she hasn’t had hot dogs in a week. (Kidding. That’d be gross.)

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Feb 2013

“Get the Ball!” is NOT “Fetch.”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Feb 2013

She’s afraid of cats. Bought her a cute plush cat to help out. Must resist urge to put it in her bed, horse head style a la The Godfather…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 22 Feb 2013

Woke up late, dropped her off, lots of traffic, late to class. Bad Dad: blame her. Good Dad: blame self. Realistic Dad: blame traffic.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 21 Feb 2013

To prepare her for preschool number counting, I might teach her to say, “That’s the sort of combination an idiot would have on his luggage!”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 18 Feb 2013

She drank ranch dressing. Even I haven’t drank ranch dressing and I have a weight issue.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 18 Feb 2013

Last night, she was simultaneously fascinated and terrified by a friendly pug dog. Kind of like how I feel about parenting.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 18 Feb 2013

I’ve decided she’s required to like what she likes now for at least 15 years. That goes for poking her finger in Papa’s belly button, too.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 15 Feb 2013

An instructor used the example of a parent telling his or her child how good he or she is and it reminded me to tweet something snarky here.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 11 Feb 2013

She’s not the pope but she does insist on the white smoke at every diaper change.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 31 Jan 2013

She keeps taking off her mittens and boots and hat because she wants me to wait on her hand and foot and head.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 22 Jan 2013

She was in such a good mood this morning and then I had to go off to class and work so I couldn’t enjoy it. Maybe I need the day off.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 19 Jan 2013

“What does she want?” “Who cares?” “…” “…I meant ‘who knows.'” “Uh-huh.”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 18 Jan 2013

It never occurred to me she’d get caught off guard by having to do her business and look me right in the eye for support. Then it happened.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 17 Jan 2013

She’s been wandering around the living room, bawling because mama has to leave for work. Funny, Mama usually Mama does the same thing.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 15 Jan 2013

It’s a bummer to watch her cry when I leave her at day care. And yet she cries because she’s going to miss me. So you know. Win-win, right?

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 2 Jan 2013

O child, is there no end to your bloodlust? Er, I mean cuteness!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 31 Dec 2012

I wonder if I’ll be able to remind her that books were her favorite toys as a toddler if, as a teenager, she declares reading, “Stupid.”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 31 Dec 2012

But I already read you that book three times. What? You don’t care? Okay, I’ll read it to you again. And again…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 31 Dec 2012

We had her crib in our room. We set up her new bedroom yesterday so in went the crib. Didn’t know the umbilical cord could stretch that far.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 29 Dec 2012

She’s so smart! Her favorite toys are books! And DVD cases!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 28 Dec 2012

I also should have asked her if it was okay to go to Ikea WITHOUT kids. Pretty sure she would’ve said, “YES.”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 28 Dec 2012

I asked her if there are ethical implications of taking her to child care while I see “The Hobbit.” She said, “YEAH!” Nice guilt trip, kid.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 27 Dec 2012

As I waved goodbye to her at child care, the teacher blew bubbles at her and her waving back ceased. Can’t compete with bubbles.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 26 Dec 2012

I love her so much I couldn’t wait to take her to child care and go back to bed with the cold I caught from her.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Dec 2012

Cat owners cannot place Christmas tree ornaments on the bottom part of the tree. Same thing for toddler owners.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 22 Dec 2012

Where did she get the idea that our world revolves around her?! Oh, wait…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 19 Dec 2012

She brought me my shoes today. I wonder if Cyberdyne found Skynet this adorable as it gained awareness. That’s how it begins…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 14 Dec 2012

The constant puking has made her too weak to cry when I leave the room. Mixed blessing. #theupsideoftheupchuck

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 13 Dec 2012

She threw up four times today (so far). She’s really upset about this fiscal cliff.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 13 Dec 2012

She’s staring at her mama. Hey, her eyes are up here, kid.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 12 Dec 2012

She’s obsessed with putting her pacifier in my mouth. Is this the toddler equivalent of a teenager telling her dad to just “Shut up!”?

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 8 Dec 2012

Her poop ended up on the dining room hardwood, the living room carpet, my sock, my shirt, and in our hearts.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 5 Dec 2012

She likes milk now. Can’t wait until she has chocolate milk. Her world’s gonna flip.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 4 Dec 2012

Well, little girl, I’m a big boy and I can spill my coffee twice without your help, thank you very much.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 3 Dec 2012

She just spit out her first Funyon. Might as well of had Maury come through the front door and say, “You are NOT the father!”

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 29 Nov 2012

She knows that some screens are touch screens so all screens are touch screens. #toddlerlogic

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 26 Nov 2012

Luckily, when she pulled the skin tag on my neck with the strength of 1,000 lions, the pain overrode my being grossed out so I didn’t puke.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Nov 2012

Every time our baby girl looks me square in the eye and belches, I can’t help but picture Randall “Tex” Cobb.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 16 Nov 2012

There’s no “My Second Christmas” baby gear. You know why? Because no one cares, Old Baby.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 16 Nov 2012

I just stepped on my first sharp child’s toy in the dark. I shall carry this scar of resentment the remainder of my days.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 6 Nov 2012

She does peek-a-boo but then I get scared because she covers her face and I can’t see her anymore so where is she?! Waaaaah!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 6 Nov 2012

She took her first steps this week. Good. Get a job.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Oct 2012

She grinds her teeth. A lot. Maybe boys like shard-laden smiles, I guess. Kids, these days.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 20 Oct 2012

I told her if you’re going to spew… spew into this! But she’s young and hasn’t seen Wayne’s World. So she blew chunks on our bed, instead.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Sep 2012

Ugh. Crawl it off, kid.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 4 Sep 2012

She’s one year old today. To celebrate this milestone, she’s decided to opt for early retirement.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 4 Sep 2012

He who hesitates in taking his daughter to day care changes the first poopie diaper of the day.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Jul 2012

She spins and whines like the agitator in a washing machine. Except without the washing machine.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 27 May 2012

Music inspires her to try new things: “Stand” by R.E.M., “Speak Now” by Taylor Swift, and the 50% of “Weird Al” Yankovic’s songs about food.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 27 May 2012

I think Mama showed her “Deliverance” lately because her new favorite activity is to squeeeaal like a pig!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 27 May 2012

She must really want glasses. She can’t keep her paws (or tongue) off mine.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 May 2012

New day care, tough transition. It’s as if she’s developed human emotions.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 13 May 2012

It’s our first Mother’s Day as a family and the baby refuses to foot the bill for brunch. Hey, kid, she’s not MY mother!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 13 May 2012

We moved all day and the little freeloader didn’t lift a thing. Nice, baby. Nice.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Apr 2012

Maybe it would just be easier to tell me which products the 20% off coupon ARE eligible to use on, Babies’R’Us.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 24 Apr 2012

She has alternating facial features: Papa’s chin, Mama’s mouth, Papa’s nose, Mama’s eyes, and Papa’s extra-large forehead – the fivehead.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Apr 2012

Cry, baby, cry?! Huh, you gonna cry?! …Oh, you ARE going to cry? Um… Oh, it’s okay! Sssh! Don’t cry, baby, I’m sorry!…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Apr 2012

I told her, “Don’t eat my cell phone!” But those landfills do fill up… Maybe eating our phones is the greenest thing a baby could do.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 23 Apr 2012

Sometimes it sounds like she’s already talking. Today, she said, “My daddy.” Then she said, “Poop.” “My daddy poop.” No, she cannot talk.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 16 Apr 2012

Somebody loves avocado. I’m glad she’s interested in such an inexpensive fruit…

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 29 Mar 2012

There’s a foot in her mouth but it’s her own foot so it’s less disgusting and more fascinating.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 22 Mar 2012

Spent two days at home with our sick baby girl. Now I know I’m a good papa. I also now know there’s no such thing as overpriced day care.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 16 Mar 2012

Today will be the warmest day you’ve ever experienced, my little baby, and not just because you stole my heating pad. I KNOW IT WAS YOU!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 11 Mar 2012

Our baby girl just measured in the lowest percentile for height and weight for six-month-olds. She is the 1%.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 8 Mar 2012

Crawling isn’t gonna happen by itself, kid. You have to want it!

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 20 Feb 2012

Our baby girl is sick. She told the most off-color joke yesterday.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 12 Feb 2012

Raising a baby is like raising a zombie. Try and be friendly, only to have them try and shove your hand in their mouth.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 9 Jan 2012

Dropped off my four-month-old daughter at day care for the first time and forgot to bring her multiplication table flash cards.

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · 7 Sep 2011

I’m a Papa! Gertie is here and she is beautiful. This now real father will still blog about being a hypothetical father, though, just watch.

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