Hypothetical Fatherhood has migrated to The Life Mosaic.

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I’ve migrated my blog posts and twitter feed for my 2011 side project, Hypothetical Fatherhood, to here at The Life Mosaic.
In the months leading up to becoming a father in 2011, I created Hypothetical Fatherhood to explore and share some of the creative-yet-inappropriate ideas running through my head as I prepared for this new role in my life. Eventually, I lost steam for posting on the blog, which required quite a bit of time commitment, and shifted to a Twitter-only feed. However, I found keeping up the character of a “meta” version of myself wasn’t authentic enough for me to feel invested, especially on Twitter where it seems like a majority of my friends are themselves there and I was just in it for the jokes. It was fun and I’m glad for the experiment, and in the end it was yet one more thing on my plate and I let it go.
That’s one of the best things about creativity: sometimes, you get to let something go.
So I let it go. And now I bring it here. So it lives on, archived for (at the very least) my own amusement and to confuse people who happen into

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #9 | New Similes for “Snug as a Bug in a Rug”

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

If you’ve ever tried to get a newborn to calm down, you know that swaddling can be a key factor in helping your baby get comfortable and cute all at the same time. Observe:

Wrapping a baby in a tight, light blanket specifically for swaddling keeps it warm and cozy in a stance and overall feel reminiscent of being in the womb and they absolutely love it. This tightly-swaddled baby is often referred to as a “Baby Burrito” or, in my family which has some Chinese heritage, a “Baby Egg Roll.”

After swaddling a newborn, many parents, even the most stoic of fathers, may find it difficult not to tell their sweet child that they are indeed as “Snug as a Bug in a Rug!”

That catchy phrase certainly works, yet perhaps there are alternative similes that are more accurate and interesting…

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #8 | George Lucas Appeals to Dads, Episode II

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

By now, you may have heard the rumors of new additions, tweaks, and unnecessary changes being made to the Star Wars films for their release on Blu-ray this month. The internet is going insane over this, people are choosing the light side or the dark side, and many diehard fanboys are canceling their pre-orders (this fanboy, who has spent much of his disposable income on Star Wars merchandise over the years, didn’t even place an order in the first place).

In an effort to appeal to young men who grew up watching Star Wars and who are now working fathers, George Lucas has added new scenes to the Star Wars trilogy. Check out this scene from The Empire Strikes Back

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #10 | Twitter Feed

This Twitter feed originally appeared @hypotheticaldad between 2011-2014 as part of my HypotheticalFatherhood.com side project as I prepared for, and entered, fatherhood. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

The following 100 tweets are satire. They’re joke lines I wrote reflecting on my experiences with an infant / toddler. In case you think any of these inappropriate, please know that a) I love my daughter (the one born at the time of the tweets and the other one, too!) and b) that was the point of the Hypothetical Fatherhood experiment, and c) Twitter, for me, is like a car: I don’t know how it works, I just use it. The handle, @hypotheticaldad, no longer exists (though @thelifemosaic does). The tweets appear in reverse-chronological order, so you may get a kick out of reading backward or scrolling down and starting forward, your call.

2014.05.23 I Am Now a Tweet Twit

Hypothetical Dad @hypotheticaldad · Jan 17 2014

Morning: “No, I don’t want to go to day care!” Afternoon: “No, I don’t want to go home!” You’re running out of options, girl.

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #7 | Enter Real Fatherhood

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list. The content so far (and much of it to follow in the coming months) was dreamed … Read more

Hypothetical Fatherhood #6 | George Lucas Appeals to Dads, Episode I

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

By now, you may have heard the rumors of new additions, tweaks, and unnecessary changes being made to the Star Wars films for their release on Blu-ray this month. The internet is going insane over this, people are choosing the light side or the dark side, and many diehard fanboys are canceling their pre-orders (this fanboy, who has spent much of his disposable income on Star Wars merchandise over the years, didn’t even place an order in the first place).

In an effort to appeal to young men who grew up watching Star Wars and who are now working fathers, George Lucas has added new scenes to the Star Wars trilogy. Check out this scene from The Empire Strikes Back

Read more

Hypothetical Fatherhood #5 | Wishful Thinking Soundtrack – Driving to the Hospital: Hair Metal Edition

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

One of the best ways a father can show the baby’s mother that he’s going to be an excellent, supportive partner in the delivery room is in how he gets her there. Packing her overnight bag, helping her into the car, and getting her to the hospital safely is all important, without a doubt. But don’t forget the importance of what happens during that ride. She’s going to need to breathe. She’s going to need to squeeze your hand. She’s going to need to know you’re there for her. And that’s why you’ve chosen a great playlist to both help Mom calm down and help give you the adrenaline rush you need to speed your way to the hospital. This is the soundtrack to how you get Mom and Baby to the hospital. At least, it’s what you wish was the soundtrack.

Wishful Thinking Soundtrack – Driving to the Hospital: Hair Metal Edition

5. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_z-hEyVQDRA]

Time: 8:30
BPM:
105
Steering Wheel Thumpability:
Fair/Good. It’s a long song so you may choose only to do so during the chorus or those, “MASTER! … MASTER! …” moments.
Appropriate Lyrics: “Blinded by me / You can’t see a thing / Just call my name ’cause I’ll hear you scream / Master! / Master!” can help the mother be comforted that you’ll be there for every part of the labor and that she is, indeed, the master of puppets and 100% in charge.
Inappropriate Lyrics: “Pain monopoly / Ritual misery / Chop your breakfast on a mirror” will make Mom not only think about the labor pain she’s in, she may start to think about that wonderful epidural even if she’s been adamant up to this point that she wants little to no drugs. Plus, with a lyric like, “chop your breakfast on a mirror,” she may consider more drugs than just an epidural and that’s not cool, man.
Will Mom Like It: Depends on whether Mom is into the classics but overall she should love screaming along with the “MASTER! … MASTER!” moments to master the labor pain. That said, she may not like that you picked such a long song because it means you anticipate the drive to be longer, too, which means that much longer in a painful car ride for her.
Verdict:
The simple, rhythmic chorus and the bridge that offers a change-up will aid Mom with her breathing so give this one a whirl. Play It.

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #4 | Cut the Cord

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

Cutting the umbilical cord is a special moment for a new dad. Some fathers have emotional difficulty doing so because they’re worried about any pain that could result from cutting tissue connected to the mother and the baby. Don’t worry, though, because there are no nerve endings in the umbilical cord and no one will feel any pain from the severing whatsoever. Now that that’s out of the way, you can also get the little scissors the doctor or midwife will hand you out of the way, too, because you have a lot more options available to you when it comes time to cut the cord.

Ten Ways You Can Never Cut the Cord:

10. Craft Scissors

Pick the pattern that works the best to create a stylin’ stomach stump on baby for the next few days.

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #3 | Breastmilk Storage: Star Wars Style

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

Making sure your newborn infant has all of the nutritious breastmilk it needs in that first year is important. That’s why pumping and storing breastmilk is no laughing matter. Sure, you can store breastmilk in the fridge for a few days, and even the freezer for a few months. And don’t forget a deep freeze is good for nearly a year. However, there are alternative places to store your breastmilk for your baby, courtesy of the Star Wars universe.

Three Breastmilk Storage Areas from The Empire Strikes Back

1. Taun Taun

Strap filled milk bottles to the belly strap of your saddle around your Taun Taun and you’ve always got baby’s meal on the go. Do you need to warm it up in a jiffy? Let your Taun Taun freeze after you reach the third marker, take your buddy’s lightsaber, and slice open that Taun Taun belly. That steaming pile of tubular guts is going to get that bottle warm in no time (note: be sure to set the bottle near the guts and not in the guts to avoid “hot spots” in the milk). Good for up to two years of storage.

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Hypothetical Fatherhood #2 | Baby’s First Word

This post originally appeared at HypotheticalFatherhood.com, my 2011 side project as I prepared to become a father. Please click here to read more about the project, its migration to The Life Mosaic, and see the entire HF archive list.

Baby’s first word. A beautiful sound to any father’s ears, particularly if it’s “Da-Da.” But what if baby’s first word showed it’s shared interest in something you enjoy? Such a profound commonality, and to be put forth with baby’s first word, no less! The bond between baby and father would be that much stronger.

Ten “Baby’s First Words” You’ll Never Hear (But Maybe Wish You Would):

10. “Baseball!”

There’s a ritual that many fathers have with their children: bringing them to their first baseball game. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know all those years spent memorizing thousands of stats, rosters, games, and so on are all going to pay off with your offspring?

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